A year ago today...

 Exactly one year ago today I took a test that would change my life forever...

Talk about suspense!

Any who, it wasn't that big of a test. I mean all it did was serve to tell me if I was carrying the most precious miracle known to man kind or not. Again, no big deal. (sensing sarcasm?)

It's hard to believe that was a year ago.

We had just moved into our very first house and I was beyond excited along with a little stressed. I love having everything put away in its place ASAP otherwise I feel unsettled and stressed! I had been diligent in my packing, making sure everything was marked and color coded so it would end up in the correct room from the beginning- because who in their right mind wants to have to lug a box from the living room to the kitchen? That's a whole 3 feet!- I was a little ridiculous with my packing this time around. But as soon as we were in our house I just stopped. I was too tired and lazy to do anything. That was clue number one.

Clue number 2? I was STARVING all. the. time. I ate chicken salad everyday for a week at 10 A.M. even though I had just had breakfast at say 9. I chalked everything up to stress with the new house.

The Sunday after we moved I took a trip to Ikea with my dad, brother, and sister. I had a list of things I needed and determination to find it for a good price. But once again I found myself exhausted and just out of it. My stomach bothered me a little too but my sister and dad were showing signs of food poisoning at that exact same moment so I reasoned away any thoughts I had that didn't consist of  bad food.

Finally on Thursday, February 28th, I broke down and took "the test." I had promised to myself that I would wait until March first since knowing me I would have started my period ten seconds after I took a pregnancy test if I took it within the month I thought I had missed it. (Oh ya that was clue #3 by the way.) If you know me I rarely stick to promises I make myself, especially if they require patience ;)

I took the test with no real expectation to find a positive. I figured I had just wasted $10 and 3 minutes of my life, but hey I would know for sure right?

When the timer went off, yes I set a timer (see lack of patience above) I walked back into the bathroom and squinted at the test. There was a very faint line in the window that would have been a positive. My mouth went dry and I began to shake...um is that for real or a bad test?

What is a girl to do when she only has one pregnancy test and isn't sure what the result was? Why she jumps into her car and races to Walmart of course! And she doesn't buy the stupid tests that have confusing lines! No she buys the more expensive tests that say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" because that is a lot easier to read!

I quickly took another test and after the alarm sounded I bounded up the stairs to check the results.

"Pregnant"

One word. One eight letter word that knocked the wind out of me.

I was supposed to be elated right? This is all I had ever wanted! I wanted to be a Mama since I was five. I never had any career ambitions or wild dreams. I wanted to be a wife and a mother.

I was shocked by the amount of emotion that came over me.

Am I ready for this?

Should I really be trusted with the life of another human being?

Do I even know what to do next?

There was no excitement, there was no giddiness. Just plain old fear.

On my way back up the stairs to see the results of the fourth test (just had to be sure) I just stopped suddenly and knelt down. I knew without looking that it would say "Pregnant." I knew what it meant. I just sat there for a few minutes and finally said, "Ok God, I'm terrified. I have no idea if I'm ready for this or if I'm capable of doing it. I really need you. Please don't leave me. Show me what to do."

I stood up and mentally shook myself off. It was time to accept it.

{I should mention that while out on my Walmart run I knew in the back of my mind that I was pregnant. Even though the test was hard to read I just knew it. So while there I also picked up a cake mix and brown sugar, because Jay and I had this pact that if I found out I was pregnant I was to tell him with cupcakes...not to soften the shock but because for the past year I had been stupid enough to fake surprise him with, "I'm pregnant!" just to see how he would react ;) Don't do that! Because if you do you'll have to make cupcakes so your husband will know you're not joking. (He totally took advantage of that!) I also picked up a few white T-shirts so the doggies could get in on the surprise.}

After walking down the stairs in a daze I got to work on the Devil food cupcakes with Maple fudge frosting (it's a Canadian thing) and kept telling myself, "I'm going to have a baby!" Fear and disbelief hung on but joy and excitement were slowly taking their place. I couldn't wait for Jay to get home!

I finished the cupcakes and had written "Big brother #1 and #2" on the t-shirts when I heard the door open. Jay had come early and I wasn't ready!

I quickly grabbed the dogs and put their shirts on them. To say they were surprised and annoyed is an understatement. They constantly tried to chew and wriggle their way out of their shirts. Jay looked at them and back at me with an expression that said, "have you gone nuts?" He asked me what the heck I was doing. I told him to read what the shirts said and disappeared into the kitchen.

When I returned with a plate full of cupcakes Jay still looked extremely confused (He may be a super smart engineer at CAT but he's not always the quickest guy on the planet ;) ) Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I blurted, "I'm pregnant!" At first he looked at me like I was teasing him, again, but when he saw those cupcakes he knew!

I'll never forget the smile on his face or the way he asked, "are you serious!?" We hugged, we kissed, we laughed.

Through out the rest of the evening I told him about how I took 4 tests and how I had a sneaking suspicion the past couple of days, and I constantly asked him if he was happy about it. After I asked for the 300th time he asked me why I thought he wouldn't be happy. I didn't have a reason. Instead I admitted that I was nervous and had no idea what I was doing. He chuckled and told me I was going to be a great mom but admitted to being nervous too.

God has given us so much this year and we are beyond thankful. I'm  over joyed with my little bundle of joy and know without a shadow of a doubt that God's timing was perfect. He is stretching me and breaking me with every new experience and struggle. There are still days when I tearfully admit to Jay that I have no idea what I'm doing.  But it is all for the greater good.

Well I warned you that I was a chatty and long winded Mama :) But it's fun to reminisce and look back at how God works in us and strengthens us :)