Exactly one year ago today I took a test that would change my life forever...
Talk about suspense!
Any who, it wasn't that big of a test. I mean all it did was serve to tell me if I was carrying the most precious miracle known to man kind or not. Again, no big deal. (sensing sarcasm?)
It's hard to believe that was a year ago.
We had just moved into our very first house and I was beyond excited along with a little stressed. I love having everything put away in its place ASAP otherwise I feel unsettled and stressed! I had been diligent in my packing, making sure everything was marked and color coded so it would end up in the correct room from the beginning- because who in their right mind wants to have to lug a box from the living room to the kitchen? That's a whole 3 feet!- I was a little ridiculous with my packing this time around. But as soon as we were in our house I just stopped. I was too tired and lazy to do anything. That was clue number one.
Clue number 2? I was STARVING all. the. time. I ate chicken salad everyday for a week at 10 A.M. even though I had just had breakfast at say 9. I chalked everything up to stress with the new house.
The Sunday after we moved I took a trip to Ikea with my dad, brother, and sister. I had a list of things I needed and determination to find it for a good price. But once again I found myself exhausted and just out of it. My stomach bothered me a little too but my sister and dad were showing signs of food poisoning at that exact same moment so I reasoned away any thoughts I had that didn't consist of bad food.
Finally on Thursday, February 28th, I broke down and took "the test." I had promised to myself that I would wait until March first since knowing me I would have started my period ten seconds after I took a pregnancy test if I took it within the month I thought I had missed it. (Oh ya that was clue #3 by the way.) If you know me I rarely stick to promises I make myself, especially if they require patience ;)
I took the test with no real expectation to find a positive. I figured I had just wasted $10 and 3 minutes of my life, but hey I would know for sure right?
When the timer went off, yes I set a timer (see lack of patience above) I walked back into the bathroom and squinted at the test. There was a very faint line in the window that would have been a positive. My mouth went dry and I began to shake...um is that for real or a bad test?
What is a girl to do when she only has one pregnancy test and isn't sure what the result was? Why she jumps into her car and races to Walmart of course! And she doesn't buy the stupid tests that have confusing lines! No she buys the more expensive tests that say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" because that is a lot easier to read!
I quickly took another test and after the alarm sounded I bounded up the stairs to check the results.
"Pregnant"
One word. One eight letter word that knocked the wind out of me.
I was supposed to be elated right? This is all I had ever wanted! I wanted to be a Mama since I was five. I never had any career ambitions or wild dreams. I wanted to be a wife and a mother.
I was shocked by the amount of emotion that came over me.
Am I ready for this?
Should I really be trusted with the life of another human being?
Do I even know what to do next?
There was no excitement, there was no giddiness. Just plain old fear.
On my way back up the stairs to see the results of the fourth test (just had to be sure) I just stopped suddenly and knelt down. I knew without looking that it would say "Pregnant." I knew what it meant. I just sat there for a few minutes and finally said, "Ok God, I'm terrified. I have no idea if I'm ready for this or if I'm capable of doing it. I really need you. Please don't leave me. Show me what to do."
I stood up and mentally shook myself off. It was time to accept it.
{I should mention that while out on my Walmart run I knew in the back of my mind that I was pregnant. Even though the test was hard to read I just knew it. So while there I also picked up a cake mix and brown sugar, because Jay and I had this pact that if I found out I was pregnant I was to tell him with cupcakes...not to soften the shock but because for the past year I had been stupid enough to fake surprise him with, "I'm pregnant!" just to see how he would react ;) Don't do that! Because if you do you'll have to make cupcakes so your husband will know you're not joking. (He totally took advantage of that!) I also picked up a few white T-shirts so the doggies could get in on the surprise.}
After walking down the stairs in a daze I got to work on the Devil food cupcakes with Maple fudge frosting (it's a Canadian thing) and kept telling myself, "I'm going to have a baby!" Fear and disbelief hung on but joy and excitement were slowly taking their place. I couldn't wait for Jay to get home!
I finished the cupcakes and had written "Big brother #1 and #2" on the t-shirts when I heard the door open. Jay had come early and I wasn't ready!
I quickly grabbed the dogs and put their shirts on them. To say they were surprised and annoyed is an understatement. They constantly tried to chew and wriggle their way out of their shirts. Jay looked at them and back at me with an expression that said, "have you gone nuts?" He asked me what the heck I was doing. I told him to read what the shirts said and disappeared into the kitchen.
When I returned with a plate full of cupcakes Jay still looked extremely confused (He may be a super smart engineer at CAT but he's not always the quickest guy on the planet ;) ) Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I blurted, "I'm pregnant!" At first he looked at me like I was teasing him, again, but when he saw those cupcakes he knew!
I'll never forget the smile on his face or the way he asked, "are you serious!?" We hugged, we kissed, we laughed.
Through out the rest of the evening I told him about how I took 4 tests and how I had a sneaking suspicion the past couple of days, and I constantly asked him if he was happy about it. After I asked for the 300th time he asked me why I thought he wouldn't be happy. I didn't have a reason. Instead I admitted that I was nervous and had no idea what I was doing. He chuckled and told me I was going to be a great mom but admitted to being nervous too.
God has given us so much this year and we are beyond thankful. I'm over joyed with my little bundle of joy and know without a shadow of a doubt that God's timing was perfect. He is stretching me and breaking me with every new experience and struggle. There are still days when I tearfully admit to Jay that I have no idea what I'm doing. But it is all for the greater good.
Well I warned you that I was a chatty and long winded Mama :) But it's fun to reminisce and look back at how God works in us and strengthens us :)
Friday, February 28, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Small victories, big sigh of relief!
It's interesting what can make me do a little victory jig these days. I get excited about things I never knew would even matter to me.
Today I'm jumping up and down because we have officially -dare I jinx myself and say it?- conquered the battle of the bottle!!!!
This victory has me dreaming of real date nights with the hubby, occasional shopping trips on the weekend, coffee dates with friends, stress free Dr. visits (for me), and maybe a trip to the masseuse perhaps? ;)
But most important -drum roll please!!!- We can actually make it to church without worrying about him screaming out of hunger!
I'm not one of those woman who feels comfortable with nursing in public. I just don't like it. And it seems even more awkward in church. I've seen other woman do it in the sanctuary (covered of course) so I guess there's nothing wrong with it, it's just my personal preference not to.
We have struggled for the past four months with getting his schedule just right so he's eaten before going. Sometimes it worked out, other times not so much.
After a lot of prayer and going through at least 4 different bottles we can finally breathe a sigh of relief.
I feel so free!
His promise is true, my God will come through Always :)
* For any bf Mama's who are also struggling with this, the bottle that finally did the trick is the Mimijumi bottle. It's a little pricey, at $15 (for some reason Amazon is selling it at $30 today?), but if it's only for the occasional outing one should be enough :) Yes it's sort of an awkward shape..it looks just like a boob. But hey, it works :)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00478UG46/ref=oh_details_o02_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Thursday, February 6, 2014
3 years...it's hard to believe.
Dear Mom,
Man a lot has happened in the 3 years you have been gone. -Can we just take a moment to digest that? Three years. In some ways I can't believe it's been three years, where has the time gone? But for the most part I feel like it has been FOREVER since I have talked to you or seen your smiling face.- Anyways, you'd be happy to know that I've started making good on my promise to give you lots of grandkids (though how many is a lot I'm not sure, after this one I'm thinking two will be a lot! How did you manage 5?) His name is Desmond -Des, Desi, Miles of Smiles as Dad calls him- and he is the most precious little boy. It's funny how I often times find myself behaving like you already. I call him Shuga Pum (sugar plum) just like you use to say, and you should see how his eyes light up when I dance and sing just like you, oh yes JUST like you, silly facial expression and all. Being a mom has brought back so many awesome memories from my childhood; walking to the library with you, reading books and sitting on your lap. You taught me so much. Remember that time when I was in first grade and you discovered that I still didn't know the months of the year? You were flabbergasted. I think that was the only time in my life that you bribed me to learn something. I'll never forget going to Dairy queen and getting an ice cream cone...after getting my very first beanie baby (remember when we stood in line at McDonalds for what seemed like forever just to get the mini beanie babies?) All of that just for learning the months! Maybe that's why you never did it again ;) I think I enjoyed the little outing more than the things I earned, though.
We went on a lot of outings together before Nathan showed up (Boys mess up everything.) I remember going grocery shopping with you and going to the Quilt Corner. You once let me pick out a button from the trunk they had. I still have it somewhere (probably in that mason jar full of buttons in the hutch at home.) We would go on walks down to the post office or the grocery store on the corner and occasionally just around town on warm days. I've always felt like I had the best childhood. I can't wait to do all of these things with my kids. You were an amazing example of a Godly mother. Something that has always stuck with me is how you would pray with us whenever we saw a car accident while driving or when you were thankful for God's protection or a good parking spot at the grocery store (I've carried on that tradition, what with all the snow this year ;) ) I can't imagine what sort of a mother I would be if I hadn't had such an amazing roll model.
I'm glad we had those last two years of your life. Especially the summer/early fall of 2009. I'll never forget watching the O.C. with you or how much you loved the Cooking Network. To others we were so boring for watching so much T.V. (Even though you couldn't do much else) but we had so much fun talking and laughing while doing so. Sure there were days we got pretty bored but we made it fun (remember when you kept breaking out into the Rhianna song "Disturbia"? You didn't know any of the the words except "Disturbiaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" You did that for a good 5 minutes.)
I'm so glad you got a second wind for a while there. You helped me out a lot while I was at cosmetology school, getting your haircut, and nails done. I need to find the picture of when you let me do a roller set and comb out on you! You were stylin fo sho (as Dad would say.) And of course you were there for my wedding and so amazing. God was so good to us to allow such sweet memories and huge milestones!
Hospital visits, doctors appointments. I know they were hard on you but they were extra minutes that we got to share with one another. I'll never forget you dramatically grabbing onto the door or dashboard of my car when I drove you places. I was not THAT bad of a driver! I was so blessed to not have a job when I first got married so I could spend more time with you. Even when you were tired you would take me grocery shopping to show me the best deals and the best cuts of meat (Jason thanks you ;) ) We had a lot of fun.
I can't believe you are gone and that you are missing such a stressful, wonderful, and important time in my life. You would have been the first person I would call when I needed advice or a day away from home. I would have been at your house nearly every day just to hang out and talk, or at the very least I would have been on the phone. But don't worry, you trained up some awesome daughters who have been there for me and have been a huge help! And Dad's not so bad at advice and being a good listening ear :) He's not driving me nuts anymore now that I've moved out. You were right (like always ;)) he and I have become pretty good friends.
We all miss you terribly and can't wait to see you again! Praise God for your salvation! Your life and death have been such an amazing testimony to all. I pray I can do you justice in the years to come.
I love you Mom!
Love, Abbey
Man a lot has happened in the 3 years you have been gone. -Can we just take a moment to digest that? Three years. In some ways I can't believe it's been three years, where has the time gone? But for the most part I feel like it has been FOREVER since I have talked to you or seen your smiling face.- Anyways, you'd be happy to know that I've started making good on my promise to give you lots of grandkids (though how many is a lot I'm not sure, after this one I'm thinking two will be a lot! How did you manage 5?) His name is Desmond -Des, Desi, Miles of Smiles as Dad calls him- and he is the most precious little boy. It's funny how I often times find myself behaving like you already. I call him Shuga Pum (sugar plum) just like you use to say, and you should see how his eyes light up when I dance and sing just like you, oh yes JUST like you, silly facial expression and all. Being a mom has brought back so many awesome memories from my childhood; walking to the library with you, reading books and sitting on your lap. You taught me so much. Remember that time when I was in first grade and you discovered that I still didn't know the months of the year? You were flabbergasted. I think that was the only time in my life that you bribed me to learn something. I'll never forget going to Dairy queen and getting an ice cream cone...after getting my very first beanie baby (remember when we stood in line at McDonalds for what seemed like forever just to get the mini beanie babies?) All of that just for learning the months! Maybe that's why you never did it again ;) I think I enjoyed the little outing more than the things I earned, though.
We went on a lot of outings together before Nathan showed up (Boys mess up everything.) I remember going grocery shopping with you and going to the Quilt Corner. You once let me pick out a button from the trunk they had. I still have it somewhere (probably in that mason jar full of buttons in the hutch at home.) We would go on walks down to the post office or the grocery store on the corner and occasionally just around town on warm days. I've always felt like I had the best childhood. I can't wait to do all of these things with my kids. You were an amazing example of a Godly mother. Something that has always stuck with me is how you would pray with us whenever we saw a car accident while driving or when you were thankful for God's protection or a good parking spot at the grocery store (I've carried on that tradition, what with all the snow this year ;) ) I can't imagine what sort of a mother I would be if I hadn't had such an amazing roll model.
I'm glad we had those last two years of your life. Especially the summer/early fall of 2009. I'll never forget watching the O.C. with you or how much you loved the Cooking Network. To others we were so boring for watching so much T.V. (Even though you couldn't do much else) but we had so much fun talking and laughing while doing so. Sure there were days we got pretty bored but we made it fun (remember when you kept breaking out into the Rhianna song "Disturbia"? You didn't know any of the the words except "Disturbiaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" You did that for a good 5 minutes.)
I'm so glad you got a second wind for a while there. You helped me out a lot while I was at cosmetology school, getting your haircut, and nails done. I need to find the picture of when you let me do a roller set and comb out on you! You were stylin fo sho (as Dad would say.) And of course you were there for my wedding and so amazing. God was so good to us to allow such sweet memories and huge milestones!
Hospital visits, doctors appointments. I know they were hard on you but they were extra minutes that we got to share with one another. I'll never forget you dramatically grabbing onto the door or dashboard of my car when I drove you places. I was not THAT bad of a driver! I was so blessed to not have a job when I first got married so I could spend more time with you. Even when you were tired you would take me grocery shopping to show me the best deals and the best cuts of meat (Jason thanks you ;) ) We had a lot of fun.
I can't believe you are gone and that you are missing such a stressful, wonderful, and important time in my life. You would have been the first person I would call when I needed advice or a day away from home. I would have been at your house nearly every day just to hang out and talk, or at the very least I would have been on the phone. But don't worry, you trained up some awesome daughters who have been there for me and have been a huge help! And Dad's not so bad at advice and being a good listening ear :) He's not driving me nuts anymore now that I've moved out. You were right (like always ;)) he and I have become pretty good friends.
We all miss you terribly and can't wait to see you again! Praise God for your salvation! Your life and death have been such an amazing testimony to all. I pray I can do you justice in the years to come.
I love you Mom!
Love, Abbey
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