Ramblings of a grieving daughter.

   Every year around this time for the past 5 years I have found myself watching my favorite Christmas movie, The Family Stone. I can never wait until December or even until Thanksgiving to watch it. The first year I watched it I didn't realize it was a Christmas movie (I guess I didn't read the back of the box) and I watched it in October and it has been a tradition ever since.
   It's not exactly your feel good Christmas movie, it is more the family chaos Christmas movie and I usually hate those. I tend to prefer It's a Wonderful Life (AMAZING!) or funny movies like Elf. Also I should probably mention that this movie is not the cleanest nor the most pure of Christmas movies. So what draws me to this movie? Is it the close knit siblings that love one another despite their arguments and differences? The big white house out in the snowy woods? The funny nature of some of the characters? Or the warmth of the whole family coming together for the holidays? I love all of those elements, but what draws me to this movie is how much it makes me think about my mom.
   The first year that I watched The Family Stone was 2009, the year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and got extremely sick from the chemo. For anyone who hasn't seen the movie, SPOILER ALERT, the mother is dying from breast cancer and none of her children know it. In fact you, the audience, don't even know it until close to the end. I really feel that this movie did a great job of capturing how a family handles this tough news while trying to make the most of life and the holidays. It makes me cry and laugh all at the same time and I just love it.
  Also for the oddest reason Diane Keaton, who plays the mother, has always reminded me of my mom. I think it's her smile and a few of her expressions. It's certainly not her craziness or uncensored mouth (If you knew my mom you knew that she was extremely sweet and even tempered along with a squeaky clean vocabulary.) I think I turn this movie on each year just to watch her and to feel like I am little bit closer to my mom.
   This year is extremely hard already without my mom who passed away in 2011. She would have been so excited to have two grandchildren born on the same day (My sister had a baby girl the same day I had Desmond.) and I can just imagine her driving back and forth between the two of us to help out and love on these sweet babies. My heart breaks each time I think about Desmond (and any future kids) not getting to know his amazing grandma. Something I will never forget about my mom getting so sick was how she was torn up by the fact that she could no longer get down on the floor to play with her grand kids, that's just how she was. She loved her family so much and wanted to be a part of everything going on. I'm so thankful for the mother that I had. She was always there and ready to take care of me. I grew very close to my mom towards the end, driving her to doctors appointments and hanging out at her house for hours just talking or sitting in silence. She is extremely missed and loved. Though the holidays can be hard without her I would rather feel the heartache of noticing our loss than to just move on. It says something about you when your family is still heartbroken almost 3 years later.
   We love you mom and can't wait to see you in Heaven. I am so thankful that you knew Christ and surrendered your life to Him, because of this we have hope and don't have to say goodbye for good. Until then I will be sitting down to watch the Family Stone every year to feel just a little bit closer to you, despite how odd that may be :)

Finding true Joy in our Hope

                   "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

   I really needed this reminder this week. Find joy in your hope, be patient through the hard times, and constantly go to the Lord.
   I have been finding my joy this week in my adorable little guy instead of our almighty God. What's wrong with that you may ask? As cute and sweet as my little boy is he; spits up, fusses, wets through his clothes (that I just changed him into literally seconds before) and wakes up hungry just as I sit down to eat. I'm not complaining, I'm simply stating that my joy would be on a roller coaster ride if I put it all in him. One minute I'm gushing with "joy" and singing songs about sunshine and lollipops, the next moment I'm bouncing a bawling baby and feeling near to tears myself because I just can't figure out what he needs. He isn't constant and steadfast, he's human (a very cute human ;) ) Only God, who is my hope and my salvation, can bring me true joy.
                              "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul..." Hebrews 6:19

  I'm not a patient person. I get frustrated very easily and always want to go the easy route...there is no easy route with a baby! And that brings us to point number 3, "be constant in prayer." Why do I think I have to muscle this on my own? I'm not alone, and I'm not talking about my husband being home, God is always there and always ready to hear my needs and frustrations. He encourages us to do so. Nothing we say catches Him by surprise or is too much for Him to handle. And since He already knows everything about us we don't need to put up this front that everything is hunky dory and I can do no wrong.
   He is my hope and my support. I need to dwell on that and remind myself of it daily, whether my little guy is all smiles or screaming his lungs out. God is my hope and my joy, not Desmond or Jason or any other person. And for that I am thankful!

Bragging about Daddy.

     Did you know that back in the day husbands were not allowed in the delivery room? I guess it was frowned upon for men to see women in that state (I haven't done any research as to the real reason it wasn't allowed.) I can't even imagine how the people back then would react to what my husband was allowed to do when our son was born.
   Ever since I can remember I have told my husband that when I have a baby he is not allowed to "look down there!" I was beyond adamant about it. I had heard stories of husbands passing out or getting so grossed out that they couldn't look at their wife for weeks, and I didn't want that. He would always laugh at my insistent tone and claim he didn't think it would bother him but agreed to do as I asked. "You have to stay up by my head and look me in the eyes the whole time!" I would tell him.
  However, when the day finally came that was not what happened at all. I'm not exactly sure if the hospital was understaffed that day (Supposedly every delivery room was full that night, lots of babies were born!) or if this was a normal practice but my husband ended up holding one of my legs and helping me push. He stood by my side and cheered me on for 3 hours while touching my forehead and smoothing back my hair. You would think I was mortified knowing he was looking "down there" and actually helping the nurse, but instead I was beyond relieved that he was the one telling me what was going on and that I could do it. I loved hearing the excitement in his voice as the moment drew closer. My eyes were closed by this point but based on his tone I wouldn't be surprised it he was jumping with anticipation, a huge grin on his face.
  He told me constantly that I was doing so good and that I was amazing (Even though I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and was being a big cry baby.) I heard joy and so much emotion in his voice and it kept me going.
  When our son finally made his way into this world my husband gushed with excitement and joy. I loved seeing and hearing his reaction. If I had made him stand by my head the whole time I think he would have felt somewhat disconnected from what was happening and wouldn't have known how to encourage me. I am so thankful that he was there and helping. If anything this experience has brought us so much closer. He saw me at my ugliest moment; in the midst of crying, sweating, screaming, blubbering, and giving up. But he believed in me.
   This past week and a half he has been the best support system I could ever ask for. He's done laundry, cleaned the whole house, held Desmond while I slept, and held me as I broke down from exhaustion and emotion. To be quite honest I never knew my husband had all of this in him. He's always been an amazing and caring husband, but I had no idea the extent of his caring and helpful side. I am completely blown away by how he is as a father and husband. He is definitely a proud daddy. He loves holding our son and showing him off.
   I am so thankful for the man God has given me. He's my perfect match and I love him with all my heart.

           Well let me just take a moment to jump right in and say, HE'S HERE!!!!!!!! Desmond was born on October 29th at 8:42 AM and he is perfect! I absolutely adore my little boy and am in love with being a mommy. He has been making it so easy on me. He's such a good baby.
   I have thought about so many blog posts that I could easily write; my birth story, the truth about labor, something about breastfeeding, late night feedings, how awesome my husband is (I will have to write that one here soon) etc. etc. etc. But in all honesty none of that really matters anymore. I started this blog with the hope of having something to do and a feeling of accomplishment, but being a mommy has satisfied that need plus some!
  I constantly find myself singing some sort of hymn or worship song that has something to do with thankfulness or declaring how awesome our God is. I am So thankful for this HUGE gift that God has entrusted me with. I am in love with my little boy and all that comes with being his mom. Am I tired? Yes. Have I had a couple melt downs? Heck ya! But not once have I regretted having this little cutie. God has just reconfirmed that this is what I was meant to do with my life. I am looking forward to the years to come! (Though I'm more than happy for it to go slowly right now since he's so darn cute!) I wish I could find the words to express my joy and happiness but I don't think there is a single one that could come close! The love I have for my little boy is ridiculous! I am now a firm believer in love at first sight.
   I'm sure there will be a time here pretty soon where I feel the need to write out some thoughts (positive or negative) but until then don't expect much. I'm very content just holding my baby close and taking care of him :) Until next time..

Abbey